Hello, you don’t know me yet, but one day I’ll be all you have left. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to sound so depressing, but one day you’ll understand. Oh how I wish you wouldn’t.

So I should probably warn you, cynicism and bitterness have become the main facets of my personality, so this letter won’t be all roses and sunshine like you’re used to. In fact this letter might even make you cry, but trust me you need to hear this. It will help you more than all those kind words and praise ever will.

I know till now you have had the perfect life. You’ve been loved, you have loved, you’ve never known sadness the way I have. Sadness is still miles away from you sweetheart and I wish you could run, but you can’t. It will always creep up on you when you most need it not to. Oh darling. You are so pure, so happy. It breaks my heart knowing what’s in store for you, the big eyed girl with dreams as wide as the ocean. I know right now you can’t wait to grow up, but sweetheart I can’t express through known vocabulary how wrong you are. I know you can’t wait to go out with your friends, watch movies till late in the night, have your first kiss, meet your first love but life has very different plans for you.

 Look around you right now. You are warm, safe , you cannot wait to wake up the next morning because it’s the weekend! I bet you can’t imagine a day when all you feel is dread at the thought of waking up. When every morning a boulder drops to the bottom of your stomach at the thought of having to get through another day. Look around you, then close your eyes and try to make the moment last as long as possible because it is never coming back. I’m sorry but that’s reality.

 One day you will want to take your own life. One day you will lose all hope, one day, you will forget what it was like to be happy. Now I have no idea how you can avoid this. In fact I believe that life, with its twisted sense of humour has made it impossible for you to avoid.  I know right now you might scoff at the idea of heartbreak, but it will happen to you sweetheart. You are going to break that promise you’ll make to yourself to never shed a single tear for another human being. One day you will be the person you always despised. One day, all of your dreams will lie shattered, withered and decaying in a corner of your basement.

However one day, you will see the world in a whole new light. One day your heart will go out to every single human on this planet. One day, you will learn that each and every person has a reason, a story. Now most of the time you will despise yourself, you will call yourself names, you will hurt your own body, but in rare moments like this, you will realise that you are beautiful. You will see that your ability to love and to care is something lacking in others. You will realise how invaluable your empathy is. When you realise this, you will also come to the conclusion that each and every moment of your pain has made you who you are. You will see that your need to ensure happiness in others is a product of your own depression. Yes, depression. It’s a dirty word I know, but it’s one you’ll have to live with for a very long time. One day, this depression will define you. Now this might not be as bad as it seems because this depression is the reason I’m writing this to you in the first place.

Now let me give you some sage advice, when you find happiness don’t you dare let go. When you see someone sacrificing their happiness you try your best to make sure they don’t. You see, all those clichés proclaiming that happiness is the key to a healthy life? Yeah, turns out they’re true. Go figure. You are going to face more failures than I’d like to remember. You will always get what you want, but never what you need. At the end of the day your happiness is all that you will crave. That happiness might come from your art, or your music or maybe even another human being. When it does come though, do NOT let it slip through your hands. Life will do it’s best to let you down; you’ve just got to fight back until you can’t anymore.

Oh sweetheart, I have so much to say but such few words at my disposal. I just want you to know that however dark it may get, (and trust me, it’ll get very dark) one day, you will pull yourself together enough to write this letter. Even as I’m writing this, I know this new me will be gone by the time the sun rises. All I can hope for right now, is that my future self is still alive and well in some alternate dimension , writing a letter to me.

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5 thoughts on “A letter to seven year old me.

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