Dear anyone-I-owe-an-apology,
This may not make sense at times
Because everything I wish to say is
Pounding on my rib cage
And my mind is close to splitting
While my hands tremble and shake
Like a leaf ready to embrace the cold earth.
However this is something that needs to be said,
Because the days are getting darker,
And the nights are getting longer,
And I fear I am entirely on my own.

I need you to know,
My mornings and nights all blend into one
And reality has become like a coy mistress
Hiding behind her smokey veil
So when I shout or scream or tell you to leave,
I am shouting at a dream, that I have mistaken for reality.
I can sense you giving up
And I couldn’t hold it against you even if I tried,
But my breaths are scratching at my throat
And my legs have become numb
So I wish you would stay just a little longer.

I want you to know,
That when I slam the door in your face,
Locking myself up in my bathroom for hours on end,
I am desperately clutching at my mouth,
Terrified that you will think that everything is not okay,
Terrified that you will call me insane
And slowly back away.
I can hear you shouting curses at the wall,
For you have seen me for who I truly am,
But all I can do is tell myself to breathe,
And convince my reflection that I am fine,
Even though my palms are sweating
And my heart is trying to escape its rusty cage.
After an hour or so,
I plaster a smile on face and pray my eyes
No longer betray the stinging behind them.
I avoid your eyes as I retreat
Into my personal hell,
Hoping against hope that you will come after me,
But also stay away.

I need you to understand,
Though I know you never will,
That though I may have everything I could ever dream of,
I.Am.Not.Happy.
And I do not know why.
My body aches day after day,
And I try to hide it by painting my eyes in kohl and mascara,
Because if i don’t people will ask,
Why do you look so tired?
Are you sick?
You look terrible.
I want you to know that when night comes knocking at my door,
Sleep decides to jump out of the window,
And when the sun takes its place,
Sleep enslaves me in its numbing arms.
I spend day after day,
Telling myself tomorrow I will get all that work done,
All the work staring at me with sullen eyes
From the corner of my room,
Yet when the sun rises
My limbs lie useless at my side.
I am a puppet on broken strings,
No longer moving of my own accord.

I lose myself in my addictions,
Even though I know how much they will hurt,
When I step out into the sunlight,
See people laughing,
Kissing,
Playing with their children,
Leading a life which seems to be a distant memory,
A story I had chanced upon in a yellowing paperback.

I want you to know that the girl you loved,
Is somewhere deep inside this hollow mask,
This greying face with sunken eyes that pretends she knows it all,
This cracking facade that displays in bold letters,
Do not enter.
I want you to know,
Inside is a girl who wants to tell you she loves you.
I see her every now and then,
And she desperately wants to return,
But she is lost in this never-ending labyrinth,
Of regret and smokey monsters.

I am so sorry,
For everything that I do not mean to say,
For not being who I was supposed to be,
For letting you down,
Time and time again.
I am sorry,
For the words unspoken,
Even as you beg for me to speak.
I am sorry for taking out my pain,
In ways you cannot directly perceive,
But which slowly chip away at this house,
At this fragile display of harmony.
I am so sorry,
And I wish that I could change,
But I am a derailed carriage on an empty track,
And I do not know how to stop.

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9 thoughts on “The big black dog.

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